I Hate the Holidays =(

You know, the holidays haven't been fun for me past the age of 11. My family is so divided at times. And usually I'm caught in the middle without trying to be involved at all. It's hard when you have to ask your uncle whether you can come over to his house with your mom on Christmas and he says he has to think about it...not because of you but because he doesn't feel like dealing with your mother. Eventually I figured that everyone would realize how short life is and get over themselves. Just for the sake of the holidays. But NO. It hurts me when I have to deal with so much during a time when I should be happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for what I have...but I realize that some things could be better. My close friend started her own family and in some ways I don't blame her. She doesn't have to deal with the BS from other relatives. I want the same thing. I want to be able to start a family and have a tradition...something that's for me and my significant other and no one else. Yes, I'm down but once again, it makes me put all of my energy into work. I don't focus on the holidays until it comes up and smacks me in the back of my head with an emphatic "I'm HERE."

Before I end this sad blog, I will end with a poetic thought and also say that there will be scientific blogs coming soon...DON'T WORRY.

After bleeding dry, I can only hope that the pain will end. After crying knives, I can only hope that my face is not scared and will heal. After bleaching my mind into oblivion, I can only hope that my imagination still exists. I walk numbly, just as you have always done. I move slow not fast, trying to become. Become...become what was always in my destiny. My future full of jade and darkness. Darkness that I want to lose...but I continue to find in and out of time. Time and time and time again.

Science is Life

Today, my mind is clear. My emotions are at a low (which is good). I'm not happy but I'm almost numb to love. After going through what could be considered as a break-up, I'm still emotionally attached but I see the larger picture. I was slowly but surely letting that part of my life slip into my work. And that is UNACCEPTABLE. I was mad at myself for allowing the two to merge. But now I'm back on track. I feel like I have a new focus on my purpose. Last week, my boss told me I made an unacceptable error in my experiment. I did. And I must say that I was frustrated...my weekend consisted of me in the bed, upset at myself for ever committing that error. I'm someone that prides themselves on doing the right thing at work. So, I took a deep breath, stepped back from the situation, and re-focused my energy to fix the problem.

Science is Life. For my fellow scientists out there, I'm sure you can relate. If something is going wrong in the lab, life is going wrong (and vice versa). Life is similar to experiments; nothing ever really goes as planned. (Even though you may have been planning for weeks.) So you have to adjust certain steps in a protocol...or change you your thinking altogether. So while I'm changing things in the lab, I'm doing the same in my life. Yes, I'm pretty much single but if I had to choose which I wanted more...I would go with my career (in a heart beat) over love. Why do you ask? Well of course I want to fall in love and have a partner. But I want to be successful much more...I've invested so much time and energy into this and NO I can't just put it down for a second. I know the type of person that I am...and I know the type of woman I am...and it takes an incredible man to deal with me. LOYALTY is huge; TRUST is huge. But above all, he has to be willing to understand that my career is me...science is me. Sometimes, I regret the way I handled situations because they could have turned out better. But once I sit down and think about it, I realize that that is life. And that is science. You may or may not expect for the result to occur, but when it does its glorious. You hold on to that moment, and you share it with the world (or that special person) =).

One or the Other...

I know I'm blessed. I've started a journey on a career that will always reward me for my accomplishments. I've graduated from a top college with honors in my field.
But for all of my great achievements in my career, my love life is non-existent at times.
I had someone...someone who I thought my actually be the guy for me...and it seems like the entire time we were together, I was scratching my head wondering why I was with him. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. But he's not the guy for me. That's what's so upsetting about the situation. We clicked on a lot of levels but we didn't click on what mattered to me the most in a relationship. I want to feel secure that you're the only guy in my life that I could ever love and I NEVER felt that way with him. I know there are women out there who can relate to this. You feel like you're being a bitch but in reality you're being as REAL as possible. Most women (in some aspects) have no clue what they want. Let me go on the record as saying I am 75% sure of what I want in a guy; the other 25% is questioning whether these characteristics are valid. SO ladies, before I go any further I must say this...EVEN IF HE IS THE PERFECT GUY, IF HE'S NOT FOR YOU DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. Yea I said it. =P I thought this guy was the one that I could grow to love but it's hard to grow to love someone...especially when you find everything about that person out of place. By that I mean, he had a great personality...pretty sensible. But when it counted, I felt like I was alone...like if I really needed him to be there for me he would check out. Ok, yes he was and is dependable. By be there for me I mean erase any doubts or fear that I would have about the relationship. I think Mya said it best in her song Lock U Down..."Somebody who can read me, check me when I need to be, pick me up when I'm falling. That's what I need". Not to mention he was immature to a certain extent. Yes he did things for me but when it came down to be a strong man for me I think he failed. He didn't do the simple things...it was always me initiating conversation. I HATE THAT! Yes I like to initiate conversation sometimes but all the time? NO! And I'm sure that most women hate that as well. I had to call or ask him to call me...WTF. I'm not even a phone person and he couldn't even do that! He was sweet but when you're in a relationship you need more. You want the complete package...and no I'm not perfect either...I'm flawed. But if I feel like I'm opening up to you constantly and you don't show me the same I slowly but surely shut down. So, at the end of the day, I shut down. I gave up...because in the end I went with my gut. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth me pondering everyday whether I wanted to be with him. It wasn't worth me being unhappy or feeling confined.
As I move on, I will take what I learned from this relationship and apply it to the next one; to ensure that it is successful. I will also try to put the same high powered energy that I put in my career in my relationship. I pray that God has someone for me as I am for them. =)